there's nothing quite as hard or easier than time

no

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 01:15:22 GMT

nonononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononofuckeverything

AAAAH PAIN.

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:11:27 GMT

i'm in such a ridiuclous amount of pain right now. wtf is my life????? UGHHHHHHHH. i'm tryin so hard not to complain to anyone so i'm gonna let it out here. UGH THIS ISN'T FAIR. IT HURTS WAY TOO MUCH AND I CANT HANDLE IT ANYMORE. i'm so sick of feeling this way. i'm fuckin nauseous and in so much pain and i keep throwing up and falling asleep randomly and feeling like im gonna die. my vision keeps blurring and my mouth keeps fucking BLEEDING and i keep throwing up :( ugh god please give me a break. please? i can't do this for much longer. please just make me better. make me stop freaking out at everyhting. make my BPD go away. make my schizo go away. make my fucking cancer go away. PLEASE. i'm fucking begging you :( i can't do this. i'm in so much pain and i dont wanna take it out on anyone anymore

Alone

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:13:08 GMT

The borderline personality is always alone.
Always needy, always desperate
For someone to express their love
And their undying care.
The borderline realizes that he acts
Irrationally, ridiculously
But his mind is so warped
So corrupted
That he imagines everything as a
Threat. The borderline is unable to
Express how much you mean to him
Because he has pushed you away
To the point of no return.
Or will you return?
The borderline personality craves the
Stability, comfort, closeness
That most people cannot or will not
Give or understand.
Still, the borderline does not want you to
Forget him, amid all this distance
Because he knows that one day he will be
Free from the poison coursing through
His weak, fragile body and the madness that has
Usurped his brain. He will be
Cured but he does not want to be alone.
He can't do this alone.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:09:39 GMT

You and I used to go to the beach in Sea Cliff almost every day during the summer. Remember the rocks we used to sit on for hours at a time, just watching the water? We'd smoke cigarettes and drink vodka straight out of the bottle and tell each other secrets. And every once in a while we'd get up and explore. We'd climb the piles of rocks and cement and debris and we felt so powerful. I loved how my dirty sneakers gripped the rocks as I'd wave my arms, trying to keep my balance. Truthfully, I was always scared of those rocks; scared of slipping and falling into the water or the crevices between the boulders. Remember the day you said you'd catch me if I fell? That made my heart race and melt at the same time. I don't think I told you that, though. I'm pretty sure I just smiled and stared down into the water, which I remember was at high tide. For the first time, I appreciated the beauty in my reflection and felt good about myself. I felt almost invincible as I watched the water crash up against the jagged rocks and broken cement. I remember it was windy because our hair was flopping around furiously and I remember how beautiful you looked. I wanted nothing more than to kiss you, maybe even make love to you right there on the beach. It's not like anyone would have seen us; we were so carefully hidden among the boulders and rotting wood and sand. I felt so comfortable and secure. I remember the day before you left for Israel with your family and we sat on our favorite rock silently holding each other. I must have been gripping you so tightly. You stroked my hair and told me that we'd never lose each other. Even though we were only to be separated for a few weeks, we both couldn't stand the thought. Did you know that I still feel that way? No matter what happens, I know that we will both always be there to catch each other when we fall.

poems....the public version

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:02:57 GMT

cancer makes me want to write poetry.

Phoenix

Where are you?
I'm waiting.
Waiting for a sign,
When will it be time?
Time to grow
Time to be strong
It's taking too long
Where have you gone?
I don't want to question
My faith but I feel I don't belong
I'm out of place
It wasn't meant to be
I don't want to be me but
I want to be free
From this.
So I'll just sit here and wait
While You determine my fate
And help me to be strong
And guide me along
This road I didn't ask to travel
As I watch my life unravel
In front of me.
And everything I once knew
And everything I thought I could do
And count on was untrue.
Everything is unknown
And I feel more alone
Than I've ever felt.
But I can't give up
I will hold on to You tight,
There must be a reason for this fight
And I will fight
And I will fight
Until I am
Reborn.

Dad

I saw you.
I saw the expression on your face.
Cold, callous
Insensitive.
In five lonely years
You broke me.
You left me
Cold and tired
Hungry and alone
Broken.
You took so much from me
My childhood, my virginity
My trust, my security
But you did not take my strength
Or my will to survive.
And I saw you
I saw the expression on your face
I know that my pain
And my fear
Did not unnerve you.
Because you had power.
You had control.
And I admit
You won those battles.
But know this:
I
Will
Win
The
War.

Abuse

The abused has become
The abuser.
I have hurt you in ways I cannot
Imagine.
Imagine your sadness and
Discomfort as I take from you
What they took from me.
Revenge?
No, that makes no sense
I'm just a mess
And you're just an innocent bystander.
Innocent? No, we both have our
Faults
Faults that we cannot
Control. We both seek control
Over the abyss that our lives have become.
I crave closeness but
You crave separation
And our desires can't help but
Clash.
It is an inescapable fate,
For two cannot be one.
And I hurt you
Oh, how I hurt you
And how I hurt
And how I miss you.
Even if you do not miss me
You will always be my
Everything.
Everything is temporary
Uncertain, turbulent
But my love for you is
Constant.

Mash Game: Predict Your Future at eSPIN-the-Bottle

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:00:34 GMT



		I will marry Jude Law.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Manhattan in our fabulous House.
		We will have 7 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Pink Honda.
		I will spend my days as a Lawyer, and live happily ever after.

i'm slightly worried.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 01:21:14 GMT

it isn't like me to really worry about my health (even when i'm sick it's hard for me to admit it to myself) so this is really worrying me...i've been having weird things for the past few days. the most noticeable thing is that i'm starting to bruise REALLY easily. like i woke up today and had so many new bruises all over my legs and arms and some on my chest. and then i have two on the sides of my neck, and it feels swollen or something. and like i also bleed really easily and get cuts easily, especially on my fingers. and ugh my knees and wrists are killing me and they're like this dark reddish color like under my skin. this has been for like only a few days and i'm sure it's probably related to being anemic so i'm not TOO worried, but everyone else's reactions are getting me kind of worried and idk i'm scared now. i'm trying to eat more but i'm so not hungry at all and i just feel really dizzy and blah, even though i'm perfectly happy and calm. i guess what scares me is the thought that it's maybe a bad side effect of my medicine (mostly the xanax) and it scares me because i'm like so fucking addicted to xanax, if i withdraw from it i'll probably have a seizure or another heart thing. and ugh idk it's really weird and annoying and i talked to my therapist about it today but he only accused me of hurting myself and worrying about something unrelated to my mental issues. i'm fucking scared to see my doctor about it because he probably won't believe me either. i have real trust issues of doctors and adults i guess lmao. and i know my parents won't give a shit so i won't even bother asking them. idk. ughhhhh my life! lmao sorry for complaining so much i'm just really pissed off. my knees hurt really bad and like every time i get a cut, it bleeds so much that it like overflows the bandaid. lmao and like obviously no one's gonna believe that i'm not doing it on purpose so why even try?

i don't know.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 01:47:39 GMT

i reeeeally can't stand myself sometimes.

i'm honestly the biggest attention whore in the world, lmao. and i mean, it makes sense. i know why i do it. it's because for nearly the entirety of my childhood, when i was supposed to be showered in parental affection and love, i got nothing (and the complete opposite for the first five years). i just kind of find it crazy how much that affected me, you know? i mean i guess it makes sense, like i said before, but it still pisses me off. it's not normal for a guy my age to be this desperate for attention. i'm really needy and clingy and i really hate how i take that need out on everyone, but especially darcie. wtf, she doesn't deserve my anger just because she doesn't mention me on her facebook or in her lj! obviously. no one mentions their best friend as much as i crave to be mentioned, lmao. and like it makes no sense because i never used to care so much, so why now?

it's just weird that it took this long to manifest, i guess. like, i was pretty much ok during high school. i had my panic attacks and some rages, sure, but i was able to at least control myself and maintain some friendships. i definitely tried way too hard to fit in, but aside from that i was ok. so wtf, why did it all of a sudden affect me just last year? that's so weird, lmao. i all of a sudden became crazy.

i just want answers, i guess. i want to know why this is happening to me and why i haven't made significant progress yet. i want to know when i'll be able to go an entire day without having a panic attack, without raging, without being afraid of panicking and without being mean to people, especially darcie. when will i be able to be alone and HAPPY? when will i be able to be independent and keep myself occupied when i'm by myself? when will i stop having paralyzing flasbacks of huge men fucking me and when will i stop dissociating? it's been so long and there's only so much one person can take. my delusions are fucking OVERWHELMING and my paranoia affects everyone around me, not just me.

whenever i go somewhere and my meds are either not enough or starting to wear off, i see people staring at me. i hear people thinking about me and i see them staring and worrying that i'm going to kill them. i hear people telling me to kill anyone who looks threatening to me and i hear people telling me that my best friend is in danger and that i need to kill myself in order to save her. i see bad things happening to her and i see myself hurting her and other people. i fucking see jesus christ sitting in class with me and telling me to kill myself. i talk to god and i talk to my pets and stuffed animals about death and pain and sadness and they tell me i need to sacrifice myself to make things better because i'm worthless, fat, stupid and mean. i hear people insulting me CONSTANTLY and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. i honestly can't. i constantly feel like everyone and everything is out to get me. and the thing is, i KNOW it's not real! so why the fuck does it feel so real and why the fuck do i listen to it and leti t take over my life??? i take so much medication and it always winds up wearing off and not working, and then i have a panic attack because i'm so fucking AFRAID OF HAVING PANIC ATTACKS. that fear makes me panic and rage and feel paralyzed and feel like i'm about to die.

and then the other thing is the depression and the flashbacks. i just get so sad sometimes. i feel so completely alone and the only thing that i feel would remedy that is a hug or some form of attention or recognition. i'm so desperate for attention. i'm desperate for someone to tell me how much i mean to them and how much they love me and i want people to be proud of me. i want people to want to tell the world how much they love me and how proud they are to know me. but honestly? what i want is parental love. i've never fully gotten that at all, and it's the one thing i can't really ever have. i missed my chance, you know? my birth parents are crazy losers who raped me and my parents are fucking idiots who don't have a clue what to do with me, and they never even wanted me in the first place. they've never told me that they're proud of me and they hardly ever tell me they love me. when i was younger they'd sometimes pretend to care, but honestly so much shit has happened that i don't really think they care about me. and it sucks. only parents can give the kind of love that i'm so desperate for, and nobody else will ever (and should ever have to) be able to fill that for me. darcie is not my mother and she shouldn't be, just like alex can't be my dad. they're my friends and that's all. they shouldn't have to deal with my crap just because my parents couldn't be there for me.

it's just so much to deal with. when will it be over? why is god doing this to me? am i supposed to be learning from this? what am i supposed to do? i'm not hiding anyything from anyone anymore, i'm just being open and honest and just me. i want answers. i want to get better and i want my fucking life back.

Fun Facts

Mon, 25 May 2009 00:56:32 GMT

Danny's Basics

I'm nineteen years old, and I'll be twenty on September 2.

I'm really quiet most of the time, but that's usually because I'm pretty self-conscious and shy. I don't like to talk about myself out loud, but I never hide my emotions.

I'm going to be a second-semester sophomore at Cornell University this fall. I took this past semester off for personal reasons, but I'm so excited to go back. I love school; I love learning and researching and studying and doing homework. I'm basically a huge nerd, I guess, but that's ok.

My appearance is very awkward...I have bright red hair, brown eyes and lots of freckles. So basically, I'm a ginger, hahah. I'm 5'10" and really skinny, which makes me look even more awkward.

My best friend's name is Darcie. I love her so much because she's such a wonderful and beautiful person inside and out, and she's so friendly and caring and fun to be around. And her laugh and smile are so contagious!

I'm adopted. I have two biological brothers, Alec (15) and Matthew (8). The rest of my siblings aren't related to me biologically, but their names are Jimmy (31), Shawn (almost 29), Adam (almost 27), Liam (almost 23) and Hannah (almost 18). I also have four nieces (Sara, Jessica, Jordana and Caroline) and two nephews (Jacob and Jonathan). We also have two dogs (Charly and Cocoa), a cat (Shadow) and a bunny (Jojo).

Fun Facts about Danny

I love to draw and paint. I mostly draw characters that I've created or characters from my favorite anime/mangas, but whatever I draw I enjoy it a lot. It frustrates me sometimes, but mostly it calms me down and allows me to express myself. I also like to write, but I'm not that great at it. I love art in general, actually. I love expressing myself through my art and creativity.

I find that I feel really free and happy when I'm bike riding. I ride fixed gear, and I usually obsess over my bike and its accessories. I love to watch videos of people riding and doing tricks and I usually bond with people over our bikes. I take my favorite bike to school with me because it's such a great way to get around my school's huge campus, plus it's so much fun.

I obsess over things a lot, and my obsessions change quite frequently but they're always really intense. Right now my current obsession is Kradam (Kris Allen and Adam Lambert) and American Idol in general. I never truly stop loving my obsessions, but over time they tend to get less intense, hahah.

I play the guitar. I taught myself to play in seventh grade because I had a huge crush on Jesse Lacey of Brand New, and I admired him. Well, I taught myself the basics but took lessons for a few years. I'm actually pretty decent at it. I've written a few of my own songs and it's something I really enjoy.

I love Japan and the Japanese culture in general. I love anime and manga and I find myself drawn to anything related to Japan, including the language, and particularly the delicious food. If I could go to Japan right now, I would.

I think I'll wind up being a professor when I grow up because I love academia in general and I love to read and write and learn.

I'm extremely superstitious. I wish on 11:11 (AM and PM) and I always freak out over my silly superstitions. I believe in good luck charms and karma and all that.

I'm a Christian and honestly I'm so happy about that. I was raised without religion but as I studied the bible more and more, I realized how much it meant to me and how it's my truth. I live for God and I want to make Him proud of me.

I love music and I always try to sing along with songs, but I can't sing for my life. But I love to listen to music, especially while jogging or something.

I speak Spanish fluently; I grew up hearing and speaking it in my house so it's always sort of stuck with me. My family isn't Hispanic or Spanish, though...but both my parents are fluent in it, so they taught it to us.

I really like tattoos, piercings and other body mods. Not so much on myself, but I really like seeing how others express themselves. I'm getting a tattoo soon and I have my ears pierced.

I spend a lot of time online, and I'm not really ashamed of that at all. I get my exercise and I have a life and friends (and an amazing best friend, Darcie) so I think it's fine that I spend time online.

I love Neopets. I'm kind of obsessed. I can't even explain it, I just love it so much and I play it every day and it feels so real to me.

I have a number of disorders and mental illnesses, but I'm trying so hard not to let them control my life. They affect me a lot and it sucks, but I'm getting better.

More later?

i'm bored and pathetic, so...

Wed, 20 May 2009 16:39:20 GMT

If you're lonely, why'd you say you're not lonely? Created by xotabsxo and taken 48 times on Bzoink
Have you ever felt like you were being crushed by an invisible weight?:	oh, all the time.
Have you ever looked back and realized that it's been ages since you cried?:	lmao i cry every day, so...
Do you ever wish you could go back to kindergarten?:	no.
Do you have a 'good side'?:	yes.
Would you rather spend your whole life in the light, or in the dark?:	light. i hate darkness.
Do you have a good luck charm?:	several. i'm pretty superstitious.
Has anyone ever sang to you, just for you?:	yes.
What's the longest phone conversation you've ever had?:	i'm not sure.
Is there anyone that you have trouble saying goodbye to?:	yea.
Do you friends like the person you're dating/crushing on?:	i guess so.
Do you care if your parents approve of the people you date?:	no, lmao. they do, though.
If asked to pick a number between one and five, what number would you pick?:	five.
Do you use Skype to talk to your friends?:	no. it didn't work when i tried to download it.
In your opinion is calling easier than texting?:	no.
Name all the people you've hugged today;:	my dog.
Is there anything that you want to say right now to someone?:	yes, but she ignores me so i can't.
If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?:	lepore, like it will be one day :)
About how many times a day do you use the backspace button?:	lots and lots.
Are you allergic to any animals?:	yes, cats.
Do you know anyone who smokes?:	yes, me (unfortunately).
Do you usually spend your weekends out, or at home?:	home/wherever else. not out.
Do you miss anyone right now?:	yes.
How far away is your next birthday?:	less than four months.
Have you ever felt completely lost?:	always.
What's the stupidest question anyone could ever ask you?:	people always ask me if my pubes are red, since i'm a redhead. do NOT ask me this question. lmfao. the answer is yes, now just leave me alone lmao.
Do you think it's wrong for people to say 'retard/retarded' as an insult?:	YES. i hate that.
What swear word do you use most often?:	fuck, probably.
Have you ever had to go to the police departnment?:	yes.
Have you ever lived through a hurricane?:	technically.
What is your biggest pet peeve?:	myself.
Have you ever wished you could disappear?:	YES please.
Can you name all the candidates in the previous presidential election?:	sure.
Do you eat organic foods?:	i try.
Have you ever had a home grown tomato?:	yes.
Have you ever held a real gun?:	no. i'm pretty sure i'm not allowed to, lmfao.
Would you rather wear Converse or Vans?:	converse.
Is there a song that reminds you of someone?:	yes.
Have you ever been called bipolar?:	yea, but i have BPD, not bipolar. there are differences.
What IM client do you use, if any?:	msn.
Do you think MySpace can be safe if you're smart about what you post?:	sure.
Have you ever made fun of a handicapped person?:	no.
Do you think it's okay to have sex before marriage?:	sure.
What are your views on abortion?:	it sucks, but it should be legal.
Have you ever liked a book that you had to read for school?:	always. lmfao. i'm such a nerd.
Do you have any mosquito bites?:	no.
Have you pulled an all-nighter in the last week?:	accidentally.
Are there posters on your walls?:	yes.
Do you play any video games?:	yes.
Have you ever been called a wimp?:	yes.
When was the last time you made fun of someone else?:	i don't intentionally.
Have you ever been jealous?:	lawl.
Do you like to watch old sitcoms?:	yes.
Are there actually books on your bookshelf?:	yes, lots.
Have you ever tried any kind of diet?:	is anorexia a diet? if so, then yes. lawl.
Could you go out in public wearing what you are now?:	i'm in public, so yes.
If asked, could you run a mile nonstop right now?:	yes. usually when i run it's like 6-7 miles, heh.
Do you follow a daily routine?:	to some extent. i like structure.
Do you have to plan your days out meticulously or are you spontaneous?:	it's a mix of both.
Are you allowed to go over to the opposite sexes house?:	lmao yes.
Do you think people's idea of a 'date' has changed over the years?:	sure.
Have you ever given someone a friendship bracelet?:	yes, lfmao.
Do you wear those rubber wristbands?:	no. i used to, lmfao.
How does your behavior around adults differ from around friends?:	i don't know.
If a necklace/ring gives you green marks, do you still wear it?:	what?
Do you have public display of affection issues, or do you not care?:	i really don't like it, unless it's two hot gay men lmfao. i'm so biased.
How soon is too soon to kiss a boyfriend/girlfriend?:	neverrrr. lmao.
Do you hate it when people try to pressure you into doing something?:	who doesn't hate that? lmao.
What instrument do you play, if any?:	guitar, and a little violin and piano.
Has anyone ever taken your breath away?:	lmao sure.
Do you like to walk around town, or would you rather take a car?:	walk.
Does time usually pass by to fast for you?:	NO. omg. days go by so slowly :(
What's the sweetest thing the gender of your choice could ever do for you?:	i don't know.
Do you think it's mean for people to use 'gay' as an insult?:	yea, but i do it all the time.
Is there anyone that you'd drop everything to go see?:	YES. her name is darcie.
Have you comforted anyone lately?:	no.
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character bios for the american idol story

Sun, 17 May 2009 03:56:03 GMT

Cameron
- 23 years old (turns 24 on show--> premise for hugs/kisses/party??)
- prefers to sing alt. rock, listens to all types of rock but mostly christian rock
- favorite band/favorite musical influence is switchfoot
- has a girlfriend named mikaylah, dating for two years (she wants to marry him)
- is an evangelical christian, takes his faith very seriously
- born and raised in south carolina
- considers himself straight but has always been rather curious; his first crush was on a boy in his first grade class and he hasn't forgotten that, but he prides himself on his masculinity and wants people to believe he's straight, and pretty much believes it himself.
- is relatively conservative but is also very accepting of others.
- is very outgoing and friendly and proud of his accomplishments
- on AI, he finds himself oddly drawn to noah; he believes it's a fatherly/protective instinct because noah is so much younger than he is.

Noah
- he's only 16 but he's very mature for his age, and he's very intellectual and enjoys having intelligent discussions with people.
- born and raised in vermont, parents are aging hippies, so the whole family is into yoga and indie stuff and cool things like that
- he was raised without religion but doesn't consider himself an atheist; he's agnostic and very interested in buddhism, like his parents.
- he loves indie music but doesn't think of himself as a great singer; he was persuaded to audition for idol by his friend, but he didn't want to.
- he doesn't believe in labeling sexual orientation, but knows that he's into both men and women. his family and friends know this, but he keeps it a secret on idol, including from cam at first.
- he's kind of quiet and shy but he can be very outgoing with his friends; he prefers to have a small group of best friends rather than lots of good friends.
- once on AI, he finds himself drawn to cam; he's the big brother he never had and always wanted, so he finds himself wanting to be friends with him.

Brody
- 27 years old, has a daughter named julia (4) and a wife named claire (27)
- musical influences/favorite music mostly includes country
- lives in texas, is a christian but not socially conservative
- has wanted to be a singer since he was a kid, but his very conservative parents told him it wasn't practical, so he went to law school, which he hated but was very good at for some reason.
- always puts his family first, including in front of the competition.

Matt
- 20 years old, has a girlfriend, talks about her a lot but not too much
- from northern california but has a southern california/surfer type style
- is very versatile musically, but focuses on classic rock
- acts very friendly and laid-back, loves to skateboard and surf and a lot of his fans are teenage girls because of his good looks.
- had a difficult upbringing and parents who hurt him but he tries to keep this quiet so he's not a sob story, but people sense the sadness in his eyes.

Devon
- is 21 years old, from georgia
- sings mostly r&b but is surprisingly versatile
- is very family-oriented and talks about how much he cares about his family all the time, and although he's from a kind of poor family he isn't a sob story
- got a full scholarship to college because he's an amazing basketball player
- loves to sing and can also dance, and is very confident but not overly so.
- is a christian but very liberal.

Jack
- 22 years old, from new mexico but originally from new york
- musical influences include rock and punk
- has a very playful attitude, very talkative and loud but also friendly
- seems very protective of the girls on idol and also noah, for some reason
- doesn't really take a lot of things seriously, including idol, but truly cares about the people he knows, and ultimately he wants people to be happy.
- his style is kind of punk-ish :P and slightly reminiscent of adam lambert.

Darcie
- 21 years old, from new york
- musical influences include michelle branch; prefers to sing pop and folk music
- can appear shy at times but is extremely friendly, caring and sweet
- other hobbies include reading and writing and other interesting things
- is very liberal and very accepting of different types of people, and very passionate about her political views and ideas.
- best friends with danny roberts, whom she brings to LA with her to support her and also just in case there are any slashable men in the house!
- is by far the most amazing and beautiful girl in the entire world and she is so loved by her best friend :)

Ebony
- 25 years old, from brooklyn, NY
- musical influences/preferences include R&B
- is very outgoing, loud and extremely friendly and accepting
- is a christian but isn't very conservative, unlike her family
- has been a dancer since she was young, once danced in a music video

Maria
- 18 years old, from puerto rico
- musical influences/preferences include pop, especially christina aguilera
- has major self-confidence issues but she truly loves to sing so she pretends to be confident during idol...she seems obnoxious at first but she's actually really friendly once she gets to know someone
- is catholic and very, very religious and pretty conservative (possible conflict with noah??)
- her parents hate the fact that she's on idol because they're very conservative and uptight. they came with her to LA but they don't support her singing career.

Fiona
- 24 years old, from massachusetts
- has twins; a daughter named abigail and a son named declan (3) and a husband nick (25), works as an elementary-school teacher.
- musical influences mainly include indie and older pop
- is very, very liberal and into protests and the environment and whatnot, not religious at all but isn't mean to religious people.
- is a redhead, but still manages to be exceptionally attractive :P

Christine
- 20 years old, from ohio
- has a son, luke (2) but is a single mother since her husband left her, and she had to drop out of school and she's dirt poor (sob story, anyone?!?!?)
- has a big fanbase initially but people see through her soon...she's also very limited in terms of her singing, she can only sing pop music and isn't very versatile.
- she isn't particularly interesting but people like her because she's pretty.

Becky
- 19 years old, from wisconsin
- musical influences mostly include pop and country, especially shania twain
- is very likable because she is young, sweet and kind of shy, but she has a very nice voice and a good vocal range.
- she's pretty much a typical college girl; very smart and intellectual but also playful and very athletic.
- she is jewish and very liberal, easily makes friends with noah.

Wed, 06 May 2009 02:07:31 GMT

hey god.

where are you? are you there? can't you hear me? i've been praying to you a lot lately but it seems like my life and the lives of the people around me have only gotten worse. why is this happening? why am i so overcome with my rages and emotions that i lash out at people i care the most about?

i'm sick of this. like darcie said, i'm stuck in a rut right now. we both are. we can't seem to get along because of my horrible rages and my lack of ability to control them, but we also can't even bear to leave each other because...well, i don't know. because we can't imagine our lives wihtout each other, i guess. whatever it is, there's some strong force holding us together and its overwhelming both of us.

i don't know what to do. can you please just send me some sort of sign? i need your guidance. i need strength.

Sun, 03 May 2009 22:41:00 GMT

im sorry for everyhting ive done

i just want stability in my life that's all

Sun, 03 May 2009 04:57:15 GMT

all i want is for someone to randomly tell me that they're proud of me and that i'm a good, worthwhile person. lmfao.

why is this happening to me?

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 15:17:58 GMT

i just want to know what's real and what isn't. i want to be able to control my rages and stop freaking out at people who don't deserve it. i want to stop letting myself get so affected by everything. i want to stop crying so much. i want friends. i want darcie to feel loved and appreciated and happy. i want to be her REAL best friend, not her obligatory one. i want to stop all of this :( it's not fair. when will i be able to? what am i doing wrong???? fucking tell me :(

where's my place in the world?

Sat, 25 Apr 2009 04:11:14 GMT

i feel really emtpy and alone.i dont think i really make an impression on anyone in this world, epsecially not a positive impression, wht the fuck is wrong with me im not even a fucking PERSON. no one cares.

i wish i had friends

Sun, 19 Apr 2009 15:05:34 GMT

Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry? Created by t-love and taken 317 times on Bzoink
What is your favorite color crayon?:	it was always blue.
What is the dominating genre of music on your music player?:	good music.
What is your biggest regret?:	being myself.
What color are your eyes?:	light brown.
If your favorite restaraunt ended up having roaches, would you eat there?:	i don't know.
Are you more of an optimist or pessimist?:	pessimist, definitely.
Who do you text the most? [if you have text messaging]:	darcie!
Where is your favorite place to go when you just need to get away?:	on the computer, lmao.
When you see someone cry, what is your reaction?:	i cry too.
How do you make brownies?:	i don't.
Is there anything that you think is impossible to say or do?:	yes.
Do you think there are circumstances when it's okay to wait for someone?:	yes.
When you meet someone you like, do you fall in love fast?:	no.
Which is best: yesterday, today, or tomorrow?:	i don't know.
What do you think of the song, "Breathe Me" by Sia?:	i don't know it.
Do you love kids or absolutely hate them?:	in between. i'm sure i'll love my own, though.
If you had the chance to do anything you wanted, what would it be?:	be normal.
In your opinion, what is the prettiest name for a girl?:	darcie :)
Are surveys addicting or just boring?:	they're addictive.
Where were you when you last kissed someone?:	in his hospital room.
How many hours of sleep do you usually get?:	three or four.
Which are better: Skittles or Starbursts?:	starbursts are godly.
If you could have any tattoo, what would it be of?:	a tiny, simple outline of a cross.
How would you describe your clothing style?:	urban chic.
Is it easy for others to hurt your feelings?:	yes.
What is your favorite beverage that is currently in your fridge?:	water.
Pick one: red, blue, or green.:	blue.
Are you a city or country person?:	neither. both.
Is there someone in your life who you know you'd be better off without?:	no, i love everyone.
Has someone ever completely walked out of your life?:	maybe.
Do you consider love a mistake?:	no.
What is your favorite flavor milkshake?:	i don't like milkshakes.
Are you afraid of storms or do you love them?:	i like them, but i'm a little afraid of them because i hate blackouts.
Do you believe in second chances?:	yes.
Have you ever had to go to the ER?:	yes. i hate it there.
What is your favorite thing about Christmas?:	being with my family.
Who has hurt you the most in your life?:	myself and several others.
When you get mad, what do you tend to do?:	rage. lmao.
Describe the best kiss you've ever had.:	i don't know, lmao.
Do promises mean anything to you?:	yes.
Do you believe in happy endings?:	yes.
What is the worst feeling in the world?:	feeling empty and alone.
Where is a scar on you that most people don't know about?:	nowhere.
Do you have to see something to believe it?:	no.
What piercings would you like to get?:	none.
What are your opinions on abstinence?:	it's not up to me.
What is the best movie genre, in your opinion?:	good movies.
Who do you live with?:	family.
When do you like to take showers: in the morning or at night?:	evening.
Who gets on your nerves more than anyone else?:	me.
What is your favorite Paramore song?:	i don't have one.
How many songs are in your music player?:	a lot.
Are you a push over?:	probably.
Do you trust easily?:	no.
Does it annoy you when little kids say they are in love?:	yes.
Do you think you will be a good parent in the future?:	no, but i hope i prove myself and everyone wrong.
Who can make you cry faster than anyone else?:	i don't know.
Do you prefer wind, fire, or water?:	water.
What has been the best concert you've been to?:	i don't even remember. that part of my life is over.
Describe your room.:	it's messy.
How many people of the opposite sex do you trust?:	one.
Do you ever feel alone in a crowded room?:	constantly.
Are some relationships worth holding on to?:	yes.
What is your idea of the perfect weather?:	sunny and warm, but with a breeze. maybe 75 degrees.
How long has your best friend been your friend?:	two years and four months <3
You're at Taco Bell. What do you order?:	nothing.
Looks or personality?:	both.
What/Who makes you feel beautiful?:	nothing.
Are you more of a dreamer or a realist?:	dreamer.
Your phone randomly rings. Who do you expect it to be?:	a wrong number.
Do you tend to hide secrets that need to be told?:	from some people.
Have you lived your life like you expected so far?:	no.
Are you outspoken and opinionated or quiet and reserved?:	depends on my mood. usually quiet, i guess.
How do you feel about country music?:	it's not enjoyable.
Is goodbye really a second chance?:	what?
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Therapy Entry.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:03:29 GMT

I had the weirdest dream last night.

I don't remember all of it, but the part that sticks out in my mind is really strange. I can't write it, though, but I can write the basic plot of my dream. So basically I either went to HWS or I was visiting. Except Darcie's sister and parents were there too! I don't know why. So likeee basically I just hugged Darcie a lot, obviously haha. And for some reason I was calling Kim "twin" instead of Darcie! And I was like teasing Darcie, saying things like "I like Kim better!!!" hahah wtf? It was WEIRD. And then a lot of stuff happened that I don't want to write here because it's embarrassing, but maybe I'll tell Darcie later in private. But one part I remember was I walked into Darcie's house (the sub free house I mean) and I shouted "DARCIEEEEEEEE WHERE ARE YOU???" and she was like "I'M READING TESS OF THE d'URBERVILLES IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!" lmfaooo so then I went and found her and hugged her :) That was a fun part of the dream. And it felt so real. It sucks that she's so far away right now, but at least it's almost summer so there's time for lots of real hugs. I need that. I love you, Darcie! I'm glad we're getting better.

So last night I held in three rages and im having another right now so ill edit this later sorry did n't expet that

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 02:21:37 GMT

i cant halndle when my mom yells at me calling me astupid ugly fag im sorry im sorry imsorry jut stop yelling at me dont you dare hurt me i just cant handle it please dont hurt me anymore just becaue youre fucking drunk just STOP IT i really cant do this anymore fuck you

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:00:02 GMT

i want to feel like i'm alive

i miss darcie and alex so much :(

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 01:17:00 GMT

You'll miss me when I'm gone (INTERESTING questions) Created by tickticktmr and taken 501 times on Bzoink
What do you usually drink at meals?:	water.
Does your washer make a lot of noise?:	no.
How many hair straightners/curlers/dryers are in your house?:	i dont know.
Which side of your face do you like better?:	neither.
Do you think that was a weird question?:	no.
Did you pull any pranks on April Fool's day, or vice versa?:	no.
Do you wave when you see people from your classes outside of school?:	no.
Would you prefer a black or white cellphone, or a bright colored one?:	black, i don't know.
When you believe in the Easter Bunny, what did you picture him/her like?:	i never did.
Does your mom, dad or silbings play any instruments?:	yes.
Are you allowed to eat meals in the living room?:	yes.
How many people could fit comfortably to sleep in the room you're in?:	i don't know. a lot, i guess.
Around how much do you spend on Christmas presents?:	i don't know.
Your last ex: how did you two get together?:	ii don't know.
Do you always have an ice cube in your drink?:	no.
Does the last person you spoke to have any siblings?:	yes.
What's the best food for sleepovers?:	idk.
If you skip class, what one do you skip most?:	no.
Do you have any pictures of yourself on your bedroom walls?:	no.
Does your mom dye her hair?:	yes.
If yes, does she deny that she does?:	no.
What do you do for fun when the power goes out?:	nothing.
Are 'personal response' essays painful to write for you?:	yes.
Do you say 'skip', 'pip off', or something else?:	wtf?
If you had to,would you rather marry your enlgish or math teacher?:	not in school.
About how many books are in the room you're in?:	a lot.
What number do you ignore when it comes up on the display?:	ones that arent darcie hahah.
What is the best restaurant in the mall? What do you typically order there?:	none.
Do you find history interesting?:	yes.
Think of a friend whose name starts with any letter between A and M.:	darcie.
How would you react if this friend kissed you?:	haha. she wouldn't.
If you were to a throw a part, would you invite them?:	yes.
Do you text this person?:	yes.
Have you ever had a sleepover with them?:	no.
Does your best friend ever wear fake nails?:	no.
What's the last thing you searched on google?:	i don't remember.
Have you read all the books on your bookshelf?:	no.
Would you ever go on a date with the last person you spoke to through IM?:	perhaps haha.
Harry Potter or Twilight?:	harry potter.
Would you be okay living on your own?:	god no.
How far can you run without breaking a sweat?:	i don't know.
After swimming,do you just strip or go into a change room?:	huh.
Would you rather date an older man/woman, or a younger one?:	older.
Have you ever seen the last person you hugged naked?:	no.
What about in their underwear?:	probably when i was little? idk.
Where did you get your favorite shirt?:	i dont know.
How much was it?:	i dont know.
Do you/your parents have any creepy pictures or painting up on the wall?:	haha yea i guess.
What's the best kind of video game? (Adventure, shooting, etc):	good ones.
How young is too young to date?:	when you're a kid.
How old is too old to date?:	...no.
Does your mom swear?:	yea.
What was your biggest fear as a child?:	getting killed.
Your biggest dream?:	idk.
Do you know anyone who has road rage?:	i guess.
How would you react if your mom got a lip piercing?:	hahah.
What animal is really common to see in the woods where you live?:	rabbits and squirrels?
Would you like to follow in one of your parents' footsteps?:	no.
Where did you get your favorite pair of pajamas?:	i don't know.
Do you know anyone named Desmond? Do you like that name?:	no.
What/who do you take the most pictures of?:	i dont know.
What's your screensaver?:	nothing.
Do you prefer your hair in a bun or ponytail?:	lmao neitherR?
Have you ever kissed someone who had reallllllllllllly dry lips?:	i guess.
What is the last thing you celebrated?:	idk.
What were you last Halloween?:	home with alex.
Have you ever suspected that your last ex was cheating? Why?:	no.
Has anyone ever told you they wanted to be with you forever?:	yes.
And are you still with them?:	ugh.
Was this survey interesting?:	no.
You've been totally Bzoink*d! Take This Survey \| Search Surveys \| Create a Survey

The sky's the limit to your overbearing egotistical self satisfaction. Created by xxxsaintsxfanx40xxx and taken 379 times on Bzoink
Hows the weather?:	it's night now, idk it was nice out before i think.
What song have you found yourself listening to alot lately?:	none.
What do you think is the secret to life?:	nothing.
Do you spend a lot of time on the phone?:	no.
Actually, do you have a phone?:	yes.
Do you talk a lot, or are you quiet?:	both.
Are you pregnant?:	no.
Where is the weirdest place you have changed pants?:	a car, idk.
Do you watch reality TV shows?:	sure.
I like American Idol.
Do you like strobe lights?:	no.
Have you ever licked someone's foot?:	yes.
When's your birthday?:	september 2.
Are you a 4.0 student? or is it closer to a 1.4?:	neither.
Do you have any songs that remind you of different times or people?:	yes.
What are you wearing?:	a towel around my waist haha. i just showered, i'll get dressed soon.
Which is better?
To give or recieve?:	give.
To eat or sleep?:	sleep.
To tell the truth, or lie?:	truth.
To be or not to be?:	be.
To have or have not?:	have.
To be rich and angry or poor and happy:	poor and happy.
To love or not?:	love.
To help someone in need or be helped when you need?:	both.
To hang out with friends or spend your time solo?:	friends.
To stop answering these or keep answering?:	keep answering.
I think thats enough, I ran out of deep stuff
Whats the deepest amount of water you have been in?:	i don't know.
When was the last time you were taken (or vice versa if taken now)?:	idk i guess now.
Are you an athlete?:	no.
What time do you normally wake at?:	depends.
Do you have any nerd friends?:	i guess.
Do you normally do a lot of surveys?:	yes.
Do you live with your parents or have you already left the nest?:	parents.
Whats your favorite type of drink (alcoholic or non)?:	water.
How's your life been lately?:	sad.
Whats your favorite way to cheer someone up?:	idk.
Show me your favorite smiley.:	no.
Did you ever join boy/girl scouts?:	no, but i wanted to.
What does your favorite t-shirt have on it?:	idk.
Do you want kids when you grow up?:	yes.
Are you sick right now?:	emotionally.
Have you ever smoked or done drugs?:	yes, and NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN.
Who said the sky's the limit first anyways?:	no.
Do you have a short fuse?:	yea haha.
Do you speak any languages other than english?:	spanish.
Bye.
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Oh no! Let's go! Let's go crazy! Created by mickey-mouse and taken 380 times on Bzoink
Would you rather have your own, personal chef or maid?:	maid, i guess? idk. neither.
Which do you prefer: M&M's, Skittles, or Reese's Pieces?:	reese's pieces.
If you could be the sidekick of a superhero which superhero would you pick?:	i don't know.
If you could control the seasons-which season would you want it to be now?:	idk.
Where on your body would you never get a tattoo?:	my face?
Who is your favorite movie villain?:	idk.
Who is the biggest drama queen or drama king in your life?:	me.
Do you think that you could ever win a food eating contest?:	no.
What is your favorite thing about the country you live in?:	nothing in particular.
Have you ever snuck somebody into your house?:	no.
Have you ever snuck into somebody elses house?:	no.
If you could merge 2 candy bars together, which 2 would you pick?:	no.
Honestly, have you ever thrown garbage out of the window of a car?:	no.
What music artist do you wish would have a come-back?:	none in particular.
What is the first song that comes to mind when I say: Michael Jackson?:	i dont know.
If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, which would you want?:	my pets.
What is your favorite flavor potato chip?:	none.
Honestly, have you ever stuck gum under a table or desk?:	no.
Do you know how to French braid?:	no.
If you add an "izzle" to the end of your first name, what would it be?:	danizzle.
Which would you find more menacing: dinosaurs or dragons?:	both? idk.
Can you name 3 different kinds of dinosaurs?:	no.
Can you say "Sally sells sea shells" fast without messing up?:	no.
If your parents could read your thoughts, would you be in trouble?:	no.
If you could re-paint your bedroom any color which color would you pick?:	idk blue.
Honestly, have you ever egged somebody's house or car?:	no.
Kool-Aid - yummy or nasty?:	nasty.
Which of your friends is closest to you in age?:	i dont know. mel.
When was the last time you bought a new pair of shoes?:	i dont know.
Can you say "hello" in another language?:	yes.
Do you ever wish that you were a couple inches taller?:	yes.
If somebody asked you to parallel park a car right now could you do it?:	yes.
Do you ever shove stuff under your bed when you "clean" your room?:	yes.
Which are you better at: jump-roping or hula-hooping?:	not hula hooping lmao.
Do you like Licorice?:	no.
Did anybody ever read bedtime stories to you when you were younger?:	yea, my dad.
If eating chocolate was against the law, would you break it?:	i guess?
Are you musically inclined?:	sort of.
Which natural disaster do you find the most terrifying?:	tornados because they look creepy as fuck, dont they?
Do you have any bruises on your body right now? From what?:	idk.
Do you have a favorite Johnny Depp movie? What is it?:	chocolate factory.
Do you hurt the people who you love the most?:	yes :(
Do you think you act younger or older than your age?:	younger.
What was the last red thing you ate?:	no idea. probably an apple.
If I gave you a Yo-Yo right now, could you do any tricks?:	no, but i could have like five years ago.
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the last time

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:20:48 GMT

the last time i had sex with alex i told him to stop
the last time i held alexs hand i let go because somoene was looking at us weirldy
the last time i touched alex all i could think about was how i wanted to go on the computer
the last time i had a deep conversation with alex we talked about howhe was excited to go to college
the last time i talked to alex i told him i didnt wanna see him

rant

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 23:29:08 GMT

im ranting here because i dont wanna talk to darcie about my feelings during our conversation becasue i know im frustrating andi know no one wants to hear about my problems. but im so afraid that darcie is gonna leave me, she said she might and i just dont know if i can handle that. when she does ill probably die. no, i wont kill myself, but my body will probably just give up. the only reason im even trying anymore is for her. well for me too, but mostly for her. but i keep FAILING. i keep messing up, insulting her friends and just being a bitch in general. i dont like myself at all. i know thats a bp thing btu honeslty i think i'm just not a good person. i know i can't help it but i feel like i should be able to. its my fault that shes always so upset. its my fault that she isn't able to concentrate on scool worka nd its my fault that she feels like she needs to escape from school. i hate myself for hurting her. i dont know why this is happening to me. why does everything always go wrong for me? why can't i do anything right ever? evne if im able to act like a good friend for a day i always turn it around and become mean again. im just so unstable and i'm so scared of myself. i don't want to even try anymore but i know i have to. but i dont want darcie or anyone to leave me. i need people now more than ever and i know im not a good friend but im just so afraid that if im abandoned again i wont be able to handle it and something bad will happen

BPD information

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 03:08:31 GMT

My Notes from Therapy:
I'm Danny and I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This means that:

- I often feel worthless, hopeless, empty and alone, even when I am with other people.

- I'm usually extremely clingy and demanding of the people I love, and accuse them of abandoning me when they can't pay attention to me exactly how I need them to at that time. I idealize others and I constantly want their attention, even after I've made them mad or uncomfortable. My clinginess comes off as jealousy and selfishness to other people because I often demand that people spend time with me instead of others.

- I ask people uncomfortable questions such as, "Are you mad at me?" and I make other unreasonable demands of people because I get defensive and I want to protect myself from getting hurt, but I do it in a way that other people are uncomfortable with.

- I have a tendency to hurt myself (for example, cutting my arms or having an eating disorder) because I feel out of control and I want to be able to control something about my life. I have trouble controlling my impulses, especially my impulse to hurt myself, which I call "violent hands."

- I have panic attacks because of my panic disorder. I hallucinate and hear voices in my head because I have symptoms of schizophrenia, and I often have trouble distinguishing real life from my hallucinations or my delusions. I black out and I can't control what I do. I also have flashbacks of stressful times.

- Often when I have the panic attacks, I dissociate from myself, meaning I black out and become almost a different person. I get really angry and lash out at others without intending to. I say things I don't mean or think. I do this because my mind wants to protect me from getting hurt by people who have hurt me in the past.

- I have trouble being "myself" because I usually don't think I'm good enough, so I always criticize myself and say that I'm "bad" and not worthy of having friends. I feel like I don't really know who I am or what I believe because I dissociate from myself so much.

- I don't like to be alone because I assume that I'm being rejected or abandoned, but despite that I push people away with my behavior, because I have a tendency to be mean.

- I get paranoid and worried very easily because I worry that people are saying mean things about me behind my back. I also worry that my friends and family are going to abandon me if I do something wrong, which I feel like I do all the time.

But: THIS IS NOT MY FAULT, and it isn't your fault if I lash out at you. My anger, panic attacks and paranoia, and overall my BPD is the result of my difficult childhood and possibly hormonal or genetic factors. If I make you uncomfortable or angry, please remember that I am upset too and I'm not intentionally trying to hurt you or anyone. I was in denial about my diagnosis for a month but I decided to take charge of my life now and admit that I have this problem, like many other people, and I will get over it. My BPD symptoms are difficult to control even with medicine, but with therapy, medication and time, I will recover and I will have a normal adult life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later I'm going to post things I find from websites that I think are helpful in understanding myself and my BPD.

i had an epiphany last night...

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 15:11:58 GMT

...i don't know how to love people.

or how to show them i love them. i don't even know how to be friends with people.

what the FUCK, danny?

i guess i just got deprived of love for so long that i don't really understand it. and even though it's so obvious, i basically JUST figured that out last night, when darcie said she didn't believe that i really love her. and, i mean...she's right. i DO feel like i love her, but...maybe i don't? i don't know. it's so hard to explain and it doesn't make sense. i need more than a best friend from her, but she can't give that because...well, it's not humanly possible. especially because i'm not the nicest person in the world, haha. i mean i understand why my parents don't love me but i don't know why my birth parents didn't.

i guess i'll never really know, lmao. all i know is that i feel like i love darcie and i think she's a good person and i hope we can still be best friends even though i'm not a good friend.